...and in the meantime...

Bad blogger.  That's what I am.  Though I have the multi-post going about writing and agent seeking (and I have thought about it, believe me), I'm enjoying my time with my little fam, the stacks of YA books that surround me, and cups of hot cocoa with whipped cream (which I don't do on a normal basis) a little too much to be pulled away for a full-fledged blogging session.  So while I watch my friend Molly--the very one who inspired me to begin a blog--updating away, I will admit my lack of focus and extend my blog vacay until everyone heads back to work and school next week, and I'm left to rattle around with my thoughts and quietude. 

I wish everyone a fantastical 2011--it feels like a good year ;)

'Splaining Part 2: Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse

Picture with me, if you will, that you are a starry-eyed, first-time writer with an idea and a dream. Wouldn't it be lovely if the natural course of things for this scenario was that a publisher fell from the heavens--the instant characters began germinating in your writerly head--bearing unending praise at the mere mention of your totally-original-never-been-thought-of-by-anyone-else-in-the-world-so-everyone-has-to-love-it premise, before nary a word is typed, a brow furrowed, sweat poured, an ego bruised, or doubts raised?  Yes, it would indeed be lovely, but as Morrissey and the gang sang...

 

"YOU JUST HAVEN'T EARNED IT YET, BABY"

Seriously.  That's the stuff of dreams. It's the reality for those later into the game, who have a history with an agent and some street cred of published work(s).  It's not for now. SIGH.

The first-time fiction writer, contrary to the notion that so many outside of the field have (and, truthfully, contrary to what some making their first go of things think), has to write THE ENTIRE story, first and foremost.  First-time fiction writers don't get to throw out an incomplete idea and find love and a sealed deal, so there's no way to answer the question that arises each step of the way, from the forty-fifth word on page one to the last word before "The End"--the initial scary part outside of the warm, safe, solitary writing bubble:

"Who's going to publish it?"

I have to admit, the first time I was asked that question, though I knew the short, truthful answer (IDK, yet), I found myself wanting to dodge it and defend the baby I was growing and nurturing.  The person asking the question asked out of innocent curiosity, probably with no suspicion or doubt in my ability, trying to show interest in what I was doing.  After connecting with many first-timers, I now know that I wasn't--and am not-- the only writer with a tiny, nagging inner-voice that wonders if all the hours, all the crazy immersion in a made-up world, all the conversations with fictional characters, is all for naught.  It's a voice that, despite my now-thick skin, sometimes tries to convince me that my manuscript will never sell (and, hey, some don't find publication until the second, third, or never, let's be real).  Or worse, that it will sell and the next will fall terribly flat, leaving me a charred remnant of a one-hit wonder.  Sometimes that voice screams.  Sometimes that voice makes that innocent question of who my publisher will be sting a little more than other times.  And there is danger in that, because if the possibilities are dwelt upon, the beauty of the now is lost.  Joy and excitement is soured a bit if we worry about what others think of our process, if we worry about the what-ifs (this applies to a lot more things than just writing).  To be able to pick up a pen (or bang out words on a netbook) and string words and worlds is gorgeous!  It's awesome!  And, for someone whose sole dream has always been to be a writer, if it's done the right way--as in full, conscious immersion in the process (which doesn't guarantee perfection, but definitely fulfillment)--it's perfect Zen. 

Epicurus once said, "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."    

Write.  Write well.  Revise.  Revise well.  Now is the time to stay in the moment and revel in realizing a dream.  It'll soon enough be time to worry about the nuances of publication AFTER the story has told itself--there's plenty of time for the next long, sometimes frustrating, ego-blowing ride; yes, there's plenty of time to have to resist the urge to run screaming to the closet to ball up in a fetal position ;)  (Also plenty of time to build the anticipation of the deliciousness of the request for more--and it is sublime, let me tell you). 

Next up, query letters, synopses, elevator pitches, and agents.  Oh my.

See also: I've Got Some 'Splaining to Do, 'Splaining Part 3: Here's What's Taking So Long.  I'm Not a Slacker...Stop Laughing., 'Splaining Part 4: This Is It.

I've Got Some 'Splaining To Do.

Rather than put my arthritic hands into fits and spasms, filling out Christmas cards ad infinitum this year, I wrote my family's first holiday letter (no, the wearing of Christmas sweaters and vests is NOT forthcoming) to sum up our past year of ups, downs, and happenings.  Mentioned, of course, was the loss of our old family dog and the passing of my dad.  My daughter's section highlighted her kitten-mommyhood and her foray into and out of instrument playing.  My husband's paragraph told of his continued love of the job that brought us across country and gave the latest on his music and line of analog synths.  Mine recapped my year: writing, revising, and submitting to literary agents.  All about us in a festive paper nutshell, hands saved, friends and family brought up to speed.  I mailed them off and checked a mission off of my to-do list.  And then I gulped.  What happens if I still don't have an agent when I see those people?  What if I do have one, but my book is far from being published?  WHAT WILL THEY THINK?  Should I have kept my "mouth" shut?  Well...no.  That WAS my past year...it's also my upcoming year (and hopefully my lifetime, except for the seeking an agent part). 

Let's step back a bit...

I consciously did something when I began writing my first YA novel in August 2009.  I told EVERYONE I was doing it, even my friends on Facebook--a few of whom only got to know me because of my double life as a farming vampire (Farmville and Vampire Wars addict, right here--I should be ashamed).  I didn't announce my activity as a blatant cry for attention; I did it so I couldn't putz out.  I know myself;  I have a filing cabinet full of writing I started, thought about, put away, considered again, half completed or fully completed...but did nothing with.  This time was different down to the pith of my bones.  This story kept me up; this story told itself.  This story spoke to me and played out in my head, and I'd be damned if it was going to end up in that filing cabinet.  So I narced myself out.  For better or for worse.  Lo!  It worked!  I finished a 90,000 word YA manuscript!

Then what?  A lot more work happened: beta readers, revision, query letter writing, synopsis writing, elevator pitch writing, researching agents, submitting to agents, more revision, a lot of waiting, some rejections, some requests for more, and more revision.  I understand these things because I'm in the middle of them--because I've learned about them from every source I can get my hands on, as well as from simply living them.  People not seeking publication don't know these steps (and they don't need to--unless they have a loved one trying to get published--because it pulls back a little of the romantic curtain that hides the Great Oz of the book world).  When I tell someone I'm looking for an agent and haven't found one to rep me yet, I'm often met with a face that screams, "There must be something wrong with your writing if no one will be your agent"...well, that could always be the case (I don't think so, but it could be), but what they don't know is that seeking an agent is part of the process--a HARD part.  It's not about hiring someone--it's really like competing for a job with LITERALLY thousands of other applicants; an agent doesn't get paid unless s/he sells the book s/he chooses to rep--no sale, no money--so they better fall in love like Cupid smacked 'em with his arrow, because they're going to have to shake their money maker, big time, to get the manuscript to print for the author.  For this reason, 95% of what an agent sees (and a good agent gets hundreds of query letters a week) gets the big "R" of rejection.  The whole thing is subjective and full of many variables, luck honestly being a part of it.

Am I published?  Novel form, not yet (magazine filler and product reviews, yes).  Do I think I will be?  Indeed, I do for a few reasons: writing is the ONE thing I get lost in (yes, above every other pursuit or pleasure).  It's what I've always wanted to do and can do.  It's what I always come back to.  It's what I need for my sanity.  It's what I studied to do.  It's what I've won awards for.  Most of all, I feel that I will be because of the most important reason of all: tenacity.  I keep learning all that I can about the process of getting there and also the process of my own writing.  I'm not above or closed to more revision; in fact, I'm constantly thinking of a better way to present something--what seemed to be a drunkenly gorgeous paragraph when written in a fit of inspiration sometimes just reads...well...drunken after a few reads, post-writing climax.  It's all a puzzle to me.  And I LOVE it.

Published or not, am I a writer?  Hell yeah!  For all the reasons above, whether any of my work ever sees a hardbound shell or not, I am a writer.  Though, so help me, I will not end up a little old lady with a trunk of unpublished work--at that point (and only at that point, if it comes), I'll self-publish.

In addition to heading my holiday letter recipients off at the proverbial pass, this (what will be) muti-part posting will also be for some other people: I now have friends who feel that they should write a book, too.  Awesome!  Pull up a chair, and let's talk, because there are some things to know going into the process.  While I'm no expert, I'm in the middle of the battle, and I've learned...oh how I've learned!  Let me paint the picture of my experience over the span of a few posts.  

In the meantime, while I percolate Part II, the following is required viewing.  ;)



See also: 'Splaining Part 2: Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse, 'Splaining Part 3: Here's What's Taking So Long.  I'm Not a Slacker...Stop Laughing., 'Splaining Part 4: This Is It.