Wednesday, January 26, 2011

a post and an ode to yesterday...

I'll come clean straightaway, this post is a self-serving declaration; it is a posting that will more than likely never be read by the intended, but it's something that I need to get out of my system--I need to commit these thoughts to the written word, so I can feel that I've finally stood up for myself, my elementary school, middle school, early-high school self...I can bet, on some level, that many people reading this will identify with the need to do this, at least once in one's lifetime.  Maybe on some level, this is a note back to my shy, pre-teen and teen self that things get better...who knows.  On with the show.

The past.  We all came from it, lived through it, changed because of it (hopefully), and move toward the future, different selves than those we once were.  There are, however, people from that past who hold onto the images of what we once were, most with no ill-will; they just still see us young or goofy...benign memories, but they become content to enjoy us as we've become, celebrate with us, and be joyful in our achievements.  On the other side of the coin, there are those who need to cling to the less happy parts of our past, usually because they aren't content with their own present; it makes them feel superior if they can keep us in the box of what we once were.  I've made no secret that I was once "the fat girl."  I was the one teased, the one left out, the one with little self-esteem.  I'm not her anymore.  I do, however, have one (a few more than one, if I'm being honest) of those people, on the fringe of my life, who still need me in my old skin.

My reality now?  I get a zit on occasion, I gain a pound or two now and again, I have a kid who sometimes disrespects me, I'm not rolling in millions, and I can't bake.  I am blessed though.  I have a good, happy life--because I choose to, because I work at it, because I realize it.  I have a husband who is my best friend and who still gives me butterflies...over 16 years after the "I do" was spoken.  I have a witty, smart, awesome kid who's not perfect, but who is perfect for me.  I live in a place of quiet and nature.  I do what I love--writing and art.  I have met people--tremendous, fabulous people--in my lifetime, from my art, from my writing, and damnit, even from Facebook!  I am full.  My life is wonderful for me; others may think what I have is boring or not enough.  Others may think it sounds so too good to be true.  I don't begrudge anyone else for what they have, be it money, fame or success.  I have what I need, and it's what I once never thought would be, and now that I've grown up, I try to live by Epicurius' words ( I just wrote this three blog postings down, actually): Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

To the intended, if you ever read this: if you still need me to be that sad, wall-flowered fat girl (*see note below the video) I once was, you don't need me.  Be happy with what you have and stop comparing the color of the grass.

*   *   *
One last indulgence, because there is another side of my thoughts that isn't so benevolent when it comes to "haters" who don't particularly think that the girl I once was could--or should--be the woman I am now; this is the soundtrack to my devilish side....I love it when a song sums everything up in a great package.  ;)~   
(For those who have heard it before--though this version has some choice lyrical additions--ya know what I'm sayin'!  For those who have never heard it, you know you want to give it a listen.)

Anyone out there relate? 

*When I say "fat girl" I'm referring to the beaten down nature of being overweight, not anyone who is radiant in their shape, whatever it may be--unfortunately, I never knew that side when I was bigger.